matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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