first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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