Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
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