you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
