she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
