bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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