so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
