what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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