I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
