How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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