Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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