Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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