I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
