I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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