Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
