My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
