wanna go halves on a baby?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
