I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
