I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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