Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
