I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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