watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
