I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
