I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
