he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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