apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
