You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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