GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Randomize
