i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
