Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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