JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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