I heard we made out
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
