As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
