My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
