True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
