Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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