he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
