Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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