Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
