im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
