This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
