the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
