Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
