Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
