The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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