My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
