I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
