I think my fart just growled at me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
