Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
