If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
