Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I AM VODKA MAN
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
